Three Little Words RRE #2
9/11/08

“Once the judge ruled, I was an orphan. I had no parents, and no possibilities were in sight” (137).

After Ashley’s mother loses her parental rights to her, Ashley’s attitude and outlook change noticeably. She feels alone—“no parents,” “an orphan”—and hopeless—“no possibilities were in sight.” She distances herself from those around her, and becomes disillusioned and cynical. She had always looked forward to the day she would finally return to her mother, and once that dream is crushed, she feels she has nothing left. “Until that moment, I had never allowed myself any dream other than going home with my mother,” Ashley recalls on page 127. After this point she must abruptly change the way she frames her entire outlook on life.
Shortly thereafter, she finds herself in a psychiatric evaluation. She doesn’t worry about telling the truth, or trying to sound sincere, or seeking help, or accomplishing anything at all. She simply provides answers “that seemed to satisfy him [the psychiatrist], because I never had to see him again” (128). She just wants to get through the visit with as little effort as possible, and doesn’t care about much else. She doesn’t worry if he knows she’s lying because she thinks “even if I said I knew the difference between truth and lies, he would not believe me” (127), and she lies, saying she was not abused, “since I knew he wasn’t going to do anything even if I told him about the Mosses” (128). During her first therapy session at The Children’s Home, she avoids talking about her feelings, claiming “why should I discuss my mother with anybody when nobody had even given us a chance to say good-bye?” (145). She doesn’t trust any of the people around her, and refuses to open up to them after all the pain she has been put through. She doesn’t believe they can help her, since thus far, nobody has.
This new outlook also changes the way she thinks about the “families” she is placed with. Before this point, each placement home was seen as very temporary. Now that living with her mother is out of the picture, she knows that the next place she ends up could be her “forever family.” She worries about Luke (sometimes feeling burdened by the responsibility), and realizes she needs to make sure they stay together now. “I worried that someone would want Luke and not me. I always assumed I would be the one rejected because that is what had happened before in foster homes. But for the first time, I realized a separation could be permanent” (50). This showcases her own insecurities about being rejected, but also demonstrates her newfound fear of the permanence of impending circumstances.
Further adding to her disillusionment and detachment, Ashley appears to have lost faith in her own mother, and begins to distance herself from her whom she once cherished so dearly. After a fully disappointing birthday, a cynical young Ashley “wondered whether my mother remembered what day it was.” Not only has she reached a point where she can’t even be happy at her own birthday party, but she has lost faith in the one person she always held closest to her heart. She always used to believe in the goodness of her mother, hanging on her every word. This quote shows she has perhaps realized that her mother is far from reliable, and it is painful to see her no longer believe that her mom remembers her birthday.
After settling in at The Children’s Home, Ashley starts to take on a pretty pessimistic view. She assumes she will never be adopted, and avoids becoming very close with anyone because it has never served her well in the past. She recounts:“I figured that I probably would be there until I was eighteen…. I decided to take it day by day and forget about everything—and everybody—else (158). She lives day-to-day, alone, and distrustful of all.