Growing up I was always very rigid, small changes to plans would make me upset. This made me very hard on myself and I was a perfectionist. For me things were black and white, good or bad, right or wrong, there was never any gray area. This helped me in some ways like with academics, but hurt me in a lot of other ways. I always wanted to be in control of everything and hated feeling like I wasn’t. This mindset led to a lot of isolation. I spent a lot of time alone with my thoughts and they told me I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, thin enough, or worth anything. These thoughts only led to more isolation.

I made the Dean’s List during my first two semesters at Loyola University in Maryland. I was really excelling in my classes. Academic life was great but that was the only life I really had. I was alone and did not have any friends. My weekends consisted of me going to the gym on Friday and Saturday nights for 2-3 hours because I had nothing else to do. I started to control what I ate just for something to do. Sophomore year arrived and things took a turn for the worse. I was having second thoughts about my major and my life felt out of control. I had academics but that didn’t seem to challenge me like it had in the past. Looking to challenge myself in a different way, I wanted to see how little I could eat in a day. My goal was to lose ten pounds, I actually was underweight at the time anyways. At my worst, I was eating half a granola bar and an apple a day, and still running (or at least trying). I was weighing myself obsessively, measured my food and tracked how many calories I ate per day. Being a perfectionist and extremely driven, I had no problem keeping this extremely unhealthy regimen. The disease makes you feel like no amount of weight loss is enough, it becomes impossible to stop. Choosing what I ate and when I ate was a way for me to feel in control of my life.

Recovery was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my life. Food was the enemy and was put in the hospital with others who were sick like me. Of course, I didn’t think I was sick at the time. I was told if I kept at it, that my heart could fail and I could die. I didn’t care, being as thin as possible was all that mattered. I am not looking for sympathy or anything of the like. (People have gone through way worse). Even though it was really painful, I’m actually glad it happened. I could not be prouder of the person I have become. Being in the hospital was horrible, I was locked inside all day and had to be weighed and my blood drawn every morning it was hell. When I finished treatment, I promised myself I would try everything and not be afraid to live like before.

I am graduating this December and I cannot believe it. I used to think I was a failure because I did not graduate in four years like I always planned. That was hard because I always thought I would finish college in 4 years and not have any problems, that was the plan anyway, but as we all know things do not always go our way. I was taken down a different path and I am glad my original plan did not work out. After lots of hard work, I got a lot better throughout the spring and I applied to UMASS, one of the best things I’ve ever done but also the scariest. I grew up in a small town on the east coast and it felt safe to go to a smaller college (Loyola has 4,000 undergrads). I was scared to go to a big school like UMASS. So when I applied I was nervous, I ended up getting into the honors program and ended up writing an honors thesis, something I thought I could never do. Now I’ve been rock climbing, studied abroad in Spain, I strike up conversations with people I don’t know, things that used to feel so scary. I realized the importance of going out of your comfort zone. Studying at UMASS has transformed me into a completely different person. I have gone from being afraid of my own shadow to a really strong, compassionate and confident person. Sometimes things can get difficult, but I have learned strategies to help overcome those difficult times. Not trying to be perfect all the time and just letting go a little made a huge difference in my life.

So my advice to transfer students: Don’t take things or yourself too seriously, make sure you find a good support group, talk to people within your major, create meaningful relationships with professors. Make sure to smile and laugh. There will be lots of ups and downs, but remember good times won’t last forever, just like bad ones won’t. When you think it is the end of the world remember it is really only the beginning. Don’t be afraid to try new things or things that are out of your comfort zone, if things don’t go your way, don’t get upset. Make sure not to be too rigid and set on your major or even opinions, keep an open mind and be willing to look at things from a different perspective. UMASS has so much to offer. But you have to take advantage of these opportunities, you have to be an active agent in your life. You have to be willing to put yourself out there and you’ll be surprised at how much you get back.

Now instead of being afraid of a change in plans, I welcome it. When you think it is the end of the world remember it is really only the beginning.