Trigger warning: sexual assault
You don’t have to start over. You get to live in this stupid delusion that the shitty friends you have around you and all the things you get to do are working out for you. Things just naturally fell into place for you, but for some people, it isn’t like that. For some of us, we aren’t loved or even liked. We go around this world meeting all these new people, and doing all these new things because we are desperate. So lonely, and so broken, that we just want something to fit. We want someone, anyone, to see that and just sit there in that broken, shitty silence with us. You. You’ll never understand that. You have your problems too, but why? Why do I have to sit around and just be here for you, whenever you find it convenient? Do you know how lonely I am? How shitty it feels to have nothing? And no one cares. No one cares that he raped me. No one cares that he hit me. Do you know what they do care about? Themselves. I make them laugh, I boast their ego, and all of a sudden I’m the funny guy, but God forbid I have feelings. So you know what? I’m done. I left. You don’t want to talk about how I came out. How I look like a freak to you. How being not a girl is the weirdest thing you can think of. How all the little weird comments you made, I still remember. How I’m a little gay freakshow, a bullet dodged. Well, you know what? I. don’t. care. I don’t care that I’m alone. How everything about my body scares me. How I look in the mirror and don’t like what I see. These are problems I am willing to confront. Because I am worth it. I deserve better. I can have a life. I get to have new friends. And no, when you see me at the bars with them, I will not introduce you, because you know what? They’re no one you’d really get along with. But enough about me. How was practice, how were your classes? Is anything interesting going on, that isn’t about me? Please, feel free to share.
Shobhadevi Singh