Because, growing up in a conservative and religious family, there was no other option. Because my dad married a woman from another country, he went against his community’s “values”. Because when I was born in 2000, the world was beginning to change forever. Because by the time I got to kindergarten, I could already tell I was different from all the other kids. Because my mom and dad told me I was a little different from all the other kids. Because I hid under the tables from the teacher, and didn’t talk to anyone, and as a result, got held back in kindergarten. Because when I got to elementary school, I found boys fascinating, but I never thought that the other boys didn’t have the same fascination. Because whenever I could, I would try on my mothers clothes and walk around in her heels. Because by the third grade, I had fooled a few girls already into thinking I knew what I wanted. Because by the fifth grade, I had a first crush on my best friend Michael. Because by the time I got to middle school, everyone was getting girlfriends, even the other boys who I knew at that point didn’t want girlfriends, just like me. Because when I had my first girlfriend and she broke up with me, I did not expect for it to hurt so much. Because I did not think I would be attracted to girls. Because when I got to highschool, the first boy in our grade came out. Because, on October 31st, 2015, I came out as bisexual on Facebook, which everyone but my parents saw by breakfast. Because when I got back home that day, they were sitting on the couch, ready to ask me the questions that were wrong to ask. Because when I stopped talking to my dad for six months, and my mom pretended nothing had happened, they sent me to therapy. Because the therapist was a man, he reminded me of my father, and I resented both of them for it. Because I started to turn inward again. Because I still only dated girls for three years, never once mentioning the possibility of boys. Because I hated myself, because I thought my parents hated me, so I pretended to be who they wanted me to be. Because the entirety of my extended family still do not know I am anything other than heterosexual. Because by the time I was 18, I started to hate girls, because I couldn’t stop hating myself for lying to both of us. Because I was so depressed and sad, I met guys in secret and started to understand myself. Because when I got to college, I found myself and flourished for a few months. Because I started painting my nails, and using lipgloss, and appreciating my body. Because I finally talked to my parents about it again. Because, even though I had fun with some guys, there were still those few bad apples who made me want to go back into myself, and never come out, and never be a person again. Because I lost all love for my body and having my body be loved by another. Because I found someone, just when I was about to give up, that could help me and see me. Because he is someone who loves me and understands the same things I went through. Because we learned together that as we evolve, our gender and sexuality evolve with us. Because we will help each other evolve and discover new pieces of ourselves, if they fit into the same puzzle together or if they go to two different pictures. Because I can feel deep inside me, there is something else that I haven’t found yet. Because I am still not independent from my family. Because no one in my extended family knows that I have a boyfriend. Because I do not owe them that part of myself. Because I still am discovering myself, and they will not force me back into myself. Because I know I am too confused to figure it out right now. Because I don’t need to know it right now. Because, Queerness is Infinite.
-Alejandro Barton-Negreiros