Published in the Daily Hampshire Gazette, 7/17/19
I’ll admit that I have spent plenty of time in my life using sarcasm to take potshots at others as a way of showing off my quick wit and making friends.
When I was in my 20s and waited tables for a living, this skill came in handy when bonding with coworkers after a long day of dealing with demanding and entitled customers. When you feel like you’re at the bottom of the pecking order and relying on the generosity of others for your livelihood, shared snark can feel like all you have left to armor yourself with.
As I’ve gotten older and found myself in a position of relative power, I’ve noticed that my tolerance for snarkiness (my own and that of others) is not what it once was. I particularly dislike sarcasm when it’s used to belittle others or to make them feel shame. The snarky troll phenomenon has become so rampant on social media and I find myself wanting to respond, full well knowing that arguing with people on the internet gets about as much accomplished as hammering a nail with a piece of cotton.
The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines snark as “an attitude or expression of mocking irreverence and sarcasm.” Those who employ sarcasm are often trying to use humor to express their dissatisfaction at the behavior of their target. An example might be for my editor to call me and say, “No, really, it’s fine that you never get your column in on time, I don’t mind waiting until the last minute to edit it. That doesn’t drive me nuts at all.”
I have noticed that there are times when I dive face-first into outlets where I know I will find serious snark, mockery and cynicism. A couple of weeks ago, I watched the two debates that featured the many Democratic candidates currently running for president.
I watched the second debate on my laptop with Facebook and Twitter open so I could follow along as people commented in real time. At the time, I thought it was hilarious entertainment but the following morning, I woke up with a Twitter hangover. This left me wondering why we are drawn to these kinds of interactions?
Something that I’ve learned about myself over the years is that I tend to be most snarky when I’m feeling insecure about myself and my place in the world or when I’m feeling emotionally spent. It’s much easier to take the high road and sprinkle kindness liberally around you when you are taking care of yourself and feeling valued.
We are snarkier when we are afraid. As a culture, fear definitely drives our snark and judgment. When fear is manufactured as a way to control others — I’m looking at you, Fox News — snark, cynicism and judgment are sometimes the least harmful outcomes.
Right now it seems that we are on the cusp of societal instability that drives many people to be snarkier than they might normally be. An informal poll of my friends indicates that we feel like things in the world are out of whack and not in line with our values. This kind of climate inspires a lot of snark.
In our house, when we talk to our children about how we want to be in the world, we often talk about the difference between “punching up” and “punching down.”
Punching up, using snark or harsh words to criticize those with more power and influence, can be a useful emotional outlet when you feel like the world is out of your control. Sometimes it can even lead to coalition building and solutions (but there has to be more to it than just snark).
Punching down, however, is never appropriate. Poking fun at people who are already struggling and disenfranchised is just plain mean and doesn’t help anyone to develop strategies for making lives better.
That said, is there a place for snark in the world? I think there is. For one thing, we do sometimes need an outlet to vent with close friends about the ridiculous things that happen in life. Also, when used strategically, snark with kindness can actually help someone hear feedback in a way that takes the sting out of it.
Occasionally when working with students, I will employ this strategy to enable them to see that asking for help can be useful, as in: “Of course it made sense for you to think you could handle your family’s financial crisis while getting As in all of your classes.” When it comes from a place of obvious kindness and when there is trust in the relationship, this can actually work.
To conclude, when using snark, try to couch it in kindness, use it sparingly with trusted friends, or when you are expressing frustration at the powers that be. Otherwise, leave it behind.